Turtles can swim backwards, actually
A barely edited letter to my 12-year-old self and a rant on turtles
Dear 12-year-old me,
One day, I was talking to my therapist, and she was asking about my childhood. She was asking about you, really.
I wish I could tell you that this habit of disappearing into your imagination whenever things get stressful goes away. It doesn't. If anything, I think it's gotten stronger, especially now that you're older and there are more stressful things going on. I wish I could tell you that you handle stress better now. I don't think you do. You're one second away from running away to be an Elf in Finland.
Remember when we were six, and our parents took us (me?) to a therapist because I was crying too much for a six-year-old, and they didnât know what was causing it or how to make it stop? And how, after many, many sessions with her asking about my life and school and stuff, and after switching therapists a couple of times, everybody came to the conclusion that they just didnât know? Yeah, that still happens. Youâre still extremely sensitive to everything, and you still cry a lot for just about anything and everything. Donât ask me why. I wish I knew.
Your poor boyfriend has seen you cry over some truly ridiculous things. He doesnât seem to mind that much. Oh yes, we have a boyfriend. Congrats on that!
At least being sensitive makes you appreciate the places youâve been more. You cried seeing turtles in Indonesia. You also cried seeing turtles in Hawaii. You cried seeing turtles in Colombia. You cry because of turtles a lot.
Maybe thatâs why you use paper straws.
When you were in Colombia, you bought two bracelets from a street vendor. One had blue dots that symbolized the bioluminescent plankton (or so the vendor said). You got it because you were just about to achieve that dream of seeing them for the first time. The second bracelet was white and lilac dots, with a turtle. The vendor said turtles only swim forward, not backward, so they symbolize you swimming toward the things you love.
âLas tortugas son como el amor, lento pero seguro.â
âTurtles are like love, slow but sure.â
Congrats, you cried because of a turtle bracelet!!
Also, I learned later that turtles CAN swim backwards.
Oh, and when you were at Penn State, you went grocery shopping with your own eco-reusable-earth-friendly shopping bag, and the cashier looked at it and said, âAh, saving the turtles and shit.â
Yeah, I like turtles. And shit.
Tiktok failed to load.Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browser
You wouldnât believe what our life has turned into. I canât even tell you if itâs in a good or bad way. Weâve done a million things that you probably never thought youâd do. But thatâs precisely the point. Youâve done many, many things you never thought youâd do, but youâve done a few of the things you thought you would. And man, it wasnât for lack of trying. Itâs always as if you have a target in front of you and your aim is so bad that the arrow goes anywhere except where you aimed.
Thereâs one thing that you have learned in life, but you kind of wish you hadnât: how to be alone. Maybe that was also part of your upbringing because, as a child, you spent too much time alone without someone to talk to. But you also learned very young to be careful with what you say because you never quite knew what would come back to haunt you later. Looking back, I think that's part of why you've always had a hard time trusting that people will stay.
My therapist said I should be nicer to myself and be the person I wish I had when I was twelve. When I was you, I guess. When you kept hiding in the bathroom and reading books for hours. I know you do that.
She said that, just like then, maybe I donât need someone to help me solve my problems.
Not always. When we lend a shoulder for a friend to cry on, they donât necessarily want us to offer solutions to the problem. Sometimes that is all they want: a shoulder to cry on. Maybe I just need to be. Be there. Not solve anything for myself. Not think about how I can move on and keep going. Not think about how I can stop the feelings. Just be there.
Maybe thatâs what Iâve been trying to learn all along. Not how to stop feeling so much or how to become tougher. Just how to keep moving forward.
Like the turtle bracelet said.
Slow but sure.
Even if turtles can swim backwards, too.
More on Colombia:
Cartagena & Cured Hearts
I spent New Yearâs going into 2025 in San AndrĂŠs, a Caribbean island that is part of Colombia.